Forever And Always
by never-hide-your-unicornness
Summary: "I would go through all of your torment again if it meant you would love me someday"
1. Chapter 1

**Part One: Emily**

Her hair was the perfect shade of blonde, her eyes a blue that even the ocean could not compare with, eyes which gave off a knowing glint whenever she showed her beautiful smile. There was something about her which made me come back every time, despite the pain. Yet I knew that no matter how much she made my heart ache I could never hate her. I could never turn away from those bow shaped lips which were pink even without lipgloss. How I would love to kiss those-

"Em, hello, earth to Emily!" interupts my thoughts followed by a knowing smile and a toss of Ali's beautiful hair. "daydreaming of kissing me again?" she questioned with a smirk and a laugh. My hand quickly drifts to my wrist, aching upon impact making me wince yet nothing compared to the pain Ali caused with that simple statement.

"N-no, I was, um,-"

"Don't worry, your secrets safe with me" she winked with a hint of wistfulness and an emotion I couldn't decipher. Pity? Probably. She'll never love me back, she probably only keeps me around so she can torment me about my crush on her. "Anyway, I've got to go, I can't keep Noel waiting", and with that Ali was out the door taking every last scrap of my happiness with her. _Of course she didn't stay long, she never does, she much prefers Noel to me any day. She probably just thinks I'm some kind of freak. _

My body sinks to the floor, shaking, and soaked with the tears I hadn't realized I had been crying. I can't breathe._You're a burden. You're a freak. You're a lesbian. Of course she hates you._ I let out an animal like wail as I snatch my pencil sharpener from my bedside table. _You're pathetic._ I unscrew it. _She hates you._ I drag the blade harshly across my wounded wrist. _You don't deserve love. Nobody will ever love you. _My arm is now a slab of meat and all I see before collapsing is a river of red.

**A/N this is my first story so please give me feedback if you would like me to continue.**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	2. Chapter 2

Rrrrrriiiiiinnngg

_ And I have school. Great. _I try to stand but can't. I feel like I've just stepped off a roller coaster feeling lightheaded and woozy, and fall back to the floor I woke up on. I try to stand again but fall back down in an instant.

And then I remember. Memories from last night flood back to me causing my eyes to look down at my wrist. I don't see skin though. Instead, I see a cylindrical object covered in a dark red crust. Carefully, I ease myself off the floor and begin to walk. My hands grip bookshelves, doorknob, the railing by the stairs, any thing they can reach to prevent me from collapsing.

I finally reach the bathroom, grab a cloth, and dampen it. Mindlessly, I wipe the blood off my wrist; luckily I still have bandages left over from the last time and with one last scrubbing, I wrap them carefully around my forearm. My head feels better now, probably because I'm not focusing on it so I head to my room and grab my longest sleeved flannel in an attempt to conceal my arm.

Hopefully Ali won't notice. I don't know what she'd do if she did. Laugh at me? Probably. As I head downstairs my mind drags me back to that fateful day in the locker room.

-FLASHBACK-

It was September and the schoolyear had only just begun. The wind billow softly and I had this feeling it would be a great day, perhaps greater than yesterday. I kissed Ali in the library and she kissed me back. _She kissed me back._She liked me back._Ali likes me back,_I thought. Even that grueling gym class that day couldn't have ruined my mood. "Em, can you hook my bra for me?"

"Sure," I walked up and hooked it. Then came the moment I would never forget, I took a chances, a stupid, stupid chance, and kissed her neck.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"N-nothing"

"Just because we kissed in the library yesterday doesn't mean I'm into you like that." I looked at her, confused. "If I'm kissing you it's just practice for the real thing." My heart cracked, I could hear it crumble inside me. Tears stung my eyes and threatened to spill over, it was like all the air had been knocked out of me.

It was the first time Ali broke my heart.

-END FLASHBACK-

My eyes burn as I grab my backpack and head out the door, prepared for yet another day of pain and misery.

**A/N please review, should I continue? Did you like it? **

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	3. Chapter 3

"Em, you have to get changed, gym starts in like five minutes!" Of course, little did Ali know, I couldn't do gym today unless I had a long sleeved shirt. In my rush to get to school, though, I had forgotten to pack one.

"I'll meet you out there, just go." Ali spins on her heel, rolling her eyes and walks out of the locker room. I think I'll just skip gym today, it's not like it would be the first time. Besides, there's only one place in this school I feel safe and I need that right now.

As I walk down the hallway, I glance at the people in the classrooms. Funny how you could be on the brink of suicide and not a single one of them would notice. Or maybe they do notice; maybe they just don't care. As I reach the abandoned staircase I wonder how many people have come here seeking peace. _How many are happy now? How many willingly died young? Which one will I be?_

I sit in the cubbyhole under the stairs, which are cracked and dusty with age. I plug in my headphones and hot shuffle, taken by surprise at just how perfectly the first song describes my situation.

_I just wanna love you_

_don't wanna lose me_

_don't wanna lose you_

_ooo-o-oh if it gets harder_

_I don't wanna break all alone_

_I wanna break in your arms_

How many times have I wished Ali would hold me and care for me? I couldn't count. All she does is drop hints, saying things like she wishes we could run away together. These hints give me false hope, mending my heart for a day, only for it to be ripped apart the next.

_sky's are crying _

_I am watching_

_catching teardrops in my hands_

_only silence_

_as it's ending_

_like we never had a chance_

_do you have to_

_make me feel like_

_there's nothing left of me_

Almost every day she cracks my heart just a little further, every day she acts like I'm a hopeless freak who will love her no mattetr what, which I guess I am.

And then tthere's those rare moments, when nobody else is around when Ali's sweet, loving, kind.

-FLASHBACK-

Ali looked at me with a smile she rarely wore, a smile that said _I love_ you. "You're the only one who understands me, Em. The only one I can be myself with"

-END FLASHBACK-

And somehow, I think the Ali I saw that day, the caring Ali who says these things is the real Ali. Yet, she's perpetually hidden by the cruel Ali who breaks my heart, and I think that's what hurts the most.

**A/N review if you want me to keep going**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	4. Chapter 4

Suddenly my headphones get yanked out of my ears, "Em, why are you here all alone?"

"Hanna , h-how did you even find me?" I ask, rather confused since as far as I know I'm the only one who knows about this place.

"Well, I was in history and the teacher was talking about some guy who did something, I don't know, anyway, I was bored so I went to the old wing 'cause there's less teachers there and then I heard someone crying, I guess that someone was you, and I came here. Why were you crying, anyway?"

"Uhhh..., " I can't tell her why I was crying, I don't want her to know how I feel about Alison. She would hate me, think I'm a freak. We'll drift apart. She won't want to sleep over anymore and I'd lose one of my best friends. "... no reason."

"There's gotta be a reason, people don't cry just 'cause."

"Well there isn't one Hanna!" I yell, suddenly angry.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? We'll always be best friends." she adds, not even aknowledging my outburst.

Although hearing Hanna say that gave me a glimmer of hope, I don't believe her. I can't tell anyone about my feelings for Ali. Everyone probably hates me enough already, add being gay and I'm done for.

"Em, Is this about Ali?" _Shit_. My eyes dart around, _how did she find out?_ I've never been good at hiding things from Hanna. She might not be the brightest but she knows me. I don't know why but the thought makes me start sobbing all over again; I feel salty tears rolling down my cheeks and comforting arms wrap themselves around me.

"Shhhhh, it'll be okay, it's okay." She hugs me, calming me down until I'm all out of tears, leaving me tired, eyes stinging from my tears. "Can you tell me what's going on?" I shake my head unable to form any words.

"Its okay, you're not ready. I get it. How about I'll invite you, Aria, Ali, and Sence and we'll all have a sleepover at my place?" when I don'tnrespond she adds, "does that sound okay?"

"okay," I sigh, almost inaudibly. _Why isn't she leaving me? She knows, why isn't she disgusted?_

"I know you don't wanna talk about it but when you're ready, I'm here." Hanna releases me from her embrace and leaves the stairwell, somehow taking my pain away, at least for the moment.

**A/N I just wanted to include a chapter about hanna and emilys friendship, so, did you like it? please review and twll me what you think, should I keep going?**

**Kisses**

**-Gaby**


	5. Chapter 5

"Come on in, Aria and Spencer got here like ten minutes ago so now we're just waiting for Ali," states Hanna. _Figures Ali wouldn't come, she's probably with Noel or some other boyfriend of the week._ "Em, come on!"

"Sorry!"

Hanna starts talking as soon as we sit down, "My mom's out of town for the tonight and tomorrow which means we can do whatever we want, hello alcohol!"

"Hanna, no. Tomorrow's a school night and I have a quiz tomorrow." _Typical Spencer, always the voice of reason._

"So? let loose, live a little! It's-" dingdong! Probably Ali, for some reason I can't explain it's as if there's birds in my stomach. Forget the butterflies, I'm nervous as hell.

Hanna and Ali walk into the room, Hanna screaming "Bring on the tequila!" qnd dramatically running to the kitchen. Spencer sighs, Aria looks at her nails as if they're the most interesting thing in the world, and Ali lights up like a firework.

Me, I'm terrified. I don't get drunk often, but when I do I turn into an idiot and unfortunately, remember everything. Who knows what I'll do, what if I confess to loving Alison?

As I'm working about what might happen tonight, Hanna returns carrying an entire bottle of tequila and five cups, she then proceeds to divide it equally, emptying the contents of the bottle.

"You expect us to drink all that?!" shrieks Spencer.

"Well, yeah, by the end of the night, unless you're Ali, queen of the lightweights"

"I am NOT a lightweight!" Ali protests, with a potty face (which is adorable).

Trying to contain my laughter I say, "Yes you are, remember two months ago at Noel's party?" she shakes her head "Well, after only two shots you started running around his yard circling your arms above your head and screaming 'I'm a helicopter!', then you went up to a tree and told it that if it didn't give back your sunglasses you would punch it in the face." Now I'm really laughing, I can't hold it back any longer.

"Em!"

"What, it's true!"

"Okaaay," Hanna cuts in, "Let's go upstairs, I already set up two air matresses and got out some movies to choose from-"

"Wait, two matresses?" interests Aria looking very confused.

"Yea, one for you and Spencer, one for Ali and Emily, and I get my bed." _Great, not that I don't love Ali, I do, more than I should, but a drunk me in a bed with Alison is a revenue for disaster. If I do anything stupid, she'll never let me forget it._ "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go upstairs and take ourselves to drunkville!"

**A/N so, how am I doing, this is my first fic ever so please comment, until tomorrow, **

**Kisses,**

**Gabby **


	6. Chapter 6

"Okay, so I have The Notebook, Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark, and Frozen."

"Frozen, really Han?" asks Ali, clearly amused by Hanna's choice in movies.

"Alright, I guess Frozen's out even though it's really cute, so that leaves horror and romance," everyone agrees on horror although Ali looks a bit unsure. Aria's the only one who wants to watch romance, although nobody's surprised by that.

"Hanna, can we leave the lights on?" asks Ali which kind of surprises me considering how tough she is, although she's never agreed to watching one with us before so maybe that's because she's easily scared.

"No, that makes the movie way too boring," Hanna walks over to the lightswitch leaving the room pitch black before sitting on her bed next to Aria and Spencer. Ali and I have to sit on our air mattress because there's no room for us on Hanna's bed which barely fits three people.

"Okay," says Hanna, "Here's the rules, every time you scream or jump you have to take a sip, got it?" we all nod our heads in agreement and begin to watch.

The movie seems more creepy than scary right now so all I am is a bit tense, my body prepared for something to jump out. Ali, on the other hand is shaking like a Chihuahua, "Ali, it's okay, it's only a movie."

"I know, I'm just cold." that's a lie and I know it but I let Ali get away with it because I know she likes to feel in control. Just as I was about to say I believed her, the creatures (who look like a mix between rats and goblins) jump out of an air vent and murder the housekeeper, This gets high pitched screams from Spencer and Ali; that must have really terrified Ali because she's pressing herself to my side, more than I thought was humanly possible.

"Drink up!" I think its Hanna who says it but I'm far too district by how it feels to have Ali so close. Ali takes a sip from her cup and leans back into me, warping her arm around my waist.

As the movie continues it takes a goes from creepy to outright terrifying, its even managing to scare me and the movie's only halfway over. During the time it took to get to the halfway point, Ali was scared so many times, her drink is gone and now not only is she terrified, but she's drunk too.

Ali's legs are tangled with mine and I'm holding her, mindlessly tracing patterns on her back. Whenever she jumps I pull her close; its the only thing that seems to calm her down.

"Em?" Ali asks with wide eyes,

"Yeah?"

"Can we go downstairs, please?" Until now, I hadn't noticed the tears rolling silently down her beautiful face. She looks so frightened and fragile, its taking all my willpower not to kiss her right here and now.

"Sure, come on," I let her go and stand up only for her to immediately grab my left arm with both her hands like a scared little kid. We made our way downstairs and I sat down on the living room couch. The moment I sit down Ali leaps into my arms and starts sobbing hysterically.

**A/N did you like part two of the sleepover? You'll get the rest of this scene and more tomorrow!**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby **


	7. Chapter 7

I'm not sure what to do, my heart is breaking for the girl in my arms, unable to comprehend how a movie could make Ali feel like this.

"Shhhhhhhhh, it's gonna be okay," I whisper, rubbing her back in an attempt to omfort her, her typically beautiful face is streaked with tears, her hair is falling into her eyes. It's the kind of crying that breaks your heart and shatters your soul.

"I-I-I'm scared, Em." she sobs into my hair, now whimpering, her eyes teeming tears.

"What are you scared of?" I ask her gently, worried it might upset her even more.

"I c-can't tell you," Why? "i-if I t-t-tell you, they'll h-hurt you, a-and I c-c-can't l-lose you" _What the hell is she talking about? Since when does she love me, anyway? _

"Ali, it's okay, you're safe, I'm safe," Ali starts crying even harder than before, and I know I need to help her stop of she'll collapse from exhaustion, I've done it plenty of times myself.

I remember that she once said her mom used to sing to her we se was sad,

"You reason my sunshine

my only sunshine

you make me happy

when skies are grey

you'll never know dear

how much I love you

so please don't take

my sunshine away"

Ali's sobs have turned into quiet whimpers, her body shaking in my arms, and I wonder why none of the other girls have come down to see if Ali's okay, _don't they care?_

"Do you want to go upstairs?" Ali nods her head but doesn't make any attempt to get up, instead she wraps her arms around my neck and I scoop her up, keeping my arms around her as I carry her upstairs.

When we reach Hanna's room, I realize why none of the girls came downstairs, the tv is stuck on the title screen and all three girls are passed out drunk on Hanna's bed.

I tuck Ali in and get up to go to the other air matress. _Ali will just make me leave hers anyway._ "No, stay," I hear her ask, slightly muffled by the covers. I crawl into bed beside her and Ali slides her back against my stomach, wraps my arms around her waist, and pulls our bodies impossibly close. Her heart is beating fast_, Is this really happening?_

"Never leave me" is the last thing I hear before I fall into the darkness of sleep.

**A/N I am so sorry for not updating for two days, I thought my headache would be gone yeaterday morning but it kept going until late last nighr, I couldnt even get up thats how bad it was, once again, I'm sorry**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	8. Chapter 8

I feel someone prodding my side but I'm way too tired to respond. Sleepily, I swat at the prodder with my arms.

"Alison, Emily, get up NOW! We have school!"

"Five more minutes..." I mumble incoherently, hoping this person will leave me alone.

"NO!" and my covers are ripped off me, sending a blast of cold air. I'm forced to open my eyes, and realize it's Spencer.

"Spence, what the hell?!" screams Ali, snuggling deeper into my side.

"We have school!"

"So?"

"You know what, I don't care, its your future!" Don't get me wrong, I care about grades, but one day off won't hurt. Besides, it feels so good to have Ali snuggling with me, I couldn't pull away even if I wanted to.

_If only she would love me the way I love her,_ I think, tears welling up in my eyes.

**A/N I am so sorry this chapter was so short, I was stuck in the hospital all day and I'm still here, I was in too much pain to sit up, let alone write**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	9. Chapter 9

I wake up for the second time this morning, Ali snoring happily in my arms. I look around but see nobody else, I guess the girls left for school already. I tuck my head back into Ali's neck and-

"Em, get off." says Ali, her voice icy, sharper than nails and I know things are back to the way they always are. Sweet, frightened Ali who was fragile and human is gone. I detach my arm from Ali's waist as she stands up; one hand on her hip. "What did you think you were doing, anyway?"

"Nothing," I whisper, my voice catching and run to Hanna's bathroom, tears streaming down my face._ You know this'll just keep happening. Nobody likes you. You're worthless. You're NOTHING._ I pull my emergency pencil sharpener from my pocket and unscrew it as quickly as possible. _You know how to make your problems disappear, Em. Do it. _

I lift up my shirt, revealing my stomach and start slicing. Once, twice, ten times. Should I stop? No. I keep cutting until there's nowhe re else to cut, my stomach drowned in blood. Somewhere along the way, I've stopped crying, I always do.

As I bring myself back to the real world I hear someone pounding on the door, "Emily, this isn't funny... Em, answer me!" The voice belongs to Ali but I don't sense worry in it, only a hint of annoyance. How would I know what she's feeling, anyway?

I quickly pull on my shirt, ignoring the blood and open the door slowly, afraid to face the girl on the other side. "What do you want, Alison?" the comment is meant to sound biting, harsh, but it comes outna desperate plea.

"For you to come out of the bathroom, duh," _She's just gonna pretent nothing happened?! Pretend she doesn't know what she's done to me?! _

"Ali, do you remember anything from last night?"

**For all you readers on idk what happened with my update but im sorry. Here is the chapter, unconfusinged **

**A/N still stuck in the hospital but luckily I got more time to write today since I had more hours that were bearable rather than excruciating, anyway, love you all, especially all of you who comment, it really makes my day **

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	10. Chapter 10

**Part Two: Alison**

"Ali, do you remember anything from last night?" Of course I do, how could I forget? I remember the feel of Emily's body wrapped around mine, I remember her soft breath- _No, Alison, Emily's the Lesbian, not you._

"No, why?" I ask flippantly, Emily can't know, she'll think I care. Alison Dilaurentis doesn't care about anyone. _Except Emily._ No, I scold myself, not even Emily.

-FLASHBACK-

"Hey," whispered a soft voice next to me, I would know that voice anywhere, always warm, always kind, just like Emily herself. "since when do you read Charles Dickens?" she asked, seeing the book in my lap.

"Since forever, can I read you something?" She nodded her head, sitting down beside me, our legs pressed together, "I loved her against reason,"_ if only emily knew how true it was_, "against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be."_ it's my favorite line_, "beautiful, isn't it?"

Em smiled at me, perfect without ever trying. Slowly, her face got closer to mine. I made no attempt to stop her. Tentatively, she pressed her lips to mine and kissed me gently, leaving my lips tingling. I couldn't help but wonder if it was like this with every girl.

Was every girl so gentle, so kind, so loving? It was so different than the harsh, rough kisses of every boy I've kissed. Maybe it was only like that with Emily. The girl with the soft lips and a sweet smile, the girl who cried when she saw a dead butterfly, the girl who made me feel so safe and so loved in a way nobody else ever could.

-END FLASHBACK-

I think that's when I knew. I can never tell her how I felt. I can't let myself fall for her, even though I already have. I have to be perfect.

"Ali, Alison, are you still there"

"Yeah," I reply distractedly, "I was just thinking about my date with Noel tonight." I lie, knowing she'll believe me,

"Oh, um, I have to go." hurt and disappointment are etched into every word, and before I can say anything, she's out the door. And I refuse to let myself follow her.

**A/N so how do you like Ali's perspective? please comment.**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	11. AN

in mexico for next two weeks so no time to write. Sorry. :(


	12. Chapter 11

You know that gut feeling you get when something's about to go horribly wrong? Well that's how I'm feeling right now, how I've felt since Emily left. I still havent gotten any texts, any calls. We never stay out of touch for this long, at least Emily doesn't.

_Stop it, you don't care,_ but that's not true, I do care, because I love her, I just can't let it show.

-FLASHBACK-

It was Christmas Eve, sixth grade. I remember because Emily's parents were out of town and she was scared to be alone. I had begged my mom for hours to let her stay with us, I couldn't have her be alone.

At six-o-clock I was waiting by the door, lost in thought, _Emily, at my house, on-_

"Ali!" before I could refocus I was wrapped on familiar arms, warm and comfortable. Suddenly, all I could think about was kissing her.

"Mistletoe!" I screamed, pointing at the plant above us; I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed her. It was innocent but it was the first time we kissed and it left me wanting more. I smiled giddily and pulled her up to my room.

That night, we watched movies, cuddled up under a blanket, and avenue even let me kiss her cheek. I fell asleep in Emily's arms, warm, safe, happy. We had always fallen asleep this way, but I had never thought any of it before. That night, it stirred something in me, that night, it meant something more.

When I awoke next, I was greeted by my mother's face. "Get Up!" so I did.

She dragged me downstairs. "Don't you EVER do that again!" her voice was angry, menacing.

"Do what?" I asked, genuinely confused

"Kiss Emily!" _she saw that?_

"Why the hell not?!"

"Why not!? Because I did not raise you like this!"

"Bu-"

"But nothing, you are my daughter, you are a Dilaurentis. You do not show weakness. You do not love unless that person has something to offer you. And you most certainly do not kiss a girl."

"I know, you've said it all bef-" I was cut off by a slap to my face,

"Then live by it, I did not raise a worthless dyke!"

And that's what broke me, shaking me down to my core. It's what sent me running, tears streaming down my face, and silently pulling Emily's arms around me as I cried myself to sleep in the arms of the girl I loved, the girl I could never have.

-END FLASHBACK-

**A/N hey, I'm back I night not post as often though, sophomore year is appointment hard please leave me a review**

**Kisses**

**-Gabby**


	13. HIATUS ALERT

ON HIATUS I CAN'T WRITE RIGHT NOW NO TIME


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